The Decision
by Domina Temporis
Summary: Set right before the events of "Is There in Truth No Beauty." Spock mentioned that he was offered the position of ambassador to the Medusans. This is the story of why he didn't accept. No slash, but trio friendship ftw.
1. Chapter 1

Commander Spock of the USS _Enterprise_ stood outside his captain's door. His bearing might have been called hesitant, had he not been Vulcan. But he did admit to uncertainty about how to broach the subject at hand. It was completely illogical, of course. The matter they had to discuss was not an uncommon one for Starfleet officers, and in any case, Spock hadn't been anything less than completely comfortable with the captain for well over a year. Nevertheless…

"Come!" As Spock stepped into the room, Captain James T. Kirk could tell immediately there was something going on. Three years of working together, day in and day out, until they were as close as brothers gave Kirk the ability to read Vulcan facial expressions and controlled emotions. And to his eyes, Spock seemed almost…nervous.

"Anything wrong, Spock?" Kirk asked. This was an unusual display for the First Officer, whose reticence was notorious; Kirk wouldn't forget how Spock hadn't told anyone about the requirements of the Vulcan mating cycle until he was literally on the point of death, or how Spock had not mentioned his parents would be onboard until Kirk was already face to face with them. Hoping to avoid a similar situation, Kirk asked again, "Spock? You look like you have something to say."

Spock hesitated for the briefest second before sitting down across the table from Kirk. "I have been offered a position, Captain."

Kirk glanced up sharply. That had not been what he'd expected, although it was a classic example of Spock's trademark say-nothing-and-then-drop-a-giant-news-bombshell approach. Although his first reaction was hurt, he pushed it aside and said light-heartedly, "A position? I wasn't aware you were looking."

"I was not. However, the position has been offered."

"Well? What is the position?" Kirk asked, thinking it might be command of a science vessel, or even a promotion to captain and command of a starship. He believed wholeheartedly that Spock was more than deserving of both, however much he hated to lose his first officer.

Spock seemed to actually sigh somewhat, "It is a diplomatic position as liaison to the Medusans."

Kirk thought for a minute, "Aren't they the ones no human can look at without going mad?"

"Precisely, Captain. That is why the Federation has decided to offer the post to Vulcans. There are certain precautions we can take to avoid that fate. In addition, the Medusans would require a telepathic link to communicate fully."

Kirk nodded. He remembered hearing about the Medusans, their supposedly hideous appearance as well as the knowledge they could bring to the Federation. He and Spock had actually discussed them, and Kirk remembered how fascinated Spock had been with the possibilities.

"Well, what are you going to do?"

"To establish a link with a Medusan would be fascinating," Spock said, his eyes lighting up. "They have extensive scientific knowledge and to study such a unique culture is a rare opportunity." Now Kirk knew Spock was seriously considering this offer.

"However," Spock was saying now, "It would be unfortunate if I had to desert my post on the _Enterprise_. I am still assigned here for the next 1.8 years, and would have to resign from Starfleet to pursue the assignment."

Kirk waved a hand, "Look, Spock, if you really want the position, you should take it. It sounds like a great opportunity, both to learn and to establish valuable relations for the Federation, and I know what both of those things mean to you," Kirk swallowed, imagining the _Enterprise_ without Spock. He couldn't picture it. _Can't, or don't want to_, he asked himself. "I mean, I hate to lose you, Spock. You're the best officer I've ever served with, but it's your choice. If you want it, you should take it." God, he'd _miss_ Spock. Their chess games, the constant moral support, even the never-ending bickering with McCoy.

Spock tilted his head slightly to one side, "Thank you, Captain. I believe I will consider this further before making my decision."

Kirk watched Spock go, wondering if he'd have to be looking for a new first officer soon, and trying to ignore how painful the thought was. Spock, on returning to his cabin, sent a communique detailing his interest in the position and requesting more information about the duties and opportunities it entailed. It was best to be as informed as possible in making such a decision.


	2. Chapter 2

"I can't believe he'd leave just like that, though," McCoy was saying to Kirk over a late breakfast. It was two weeks later, and it was common knowledge among the senior crew that First Officer Spock was seriously considering, and probably going to accept, the offer to be the liaison to the Medusans. "I've read about them," McCoy continued, "They've made huge advances in science and supposedly their culture and beliefs are rational, beautiful, even. Right up Spock's alley." Kirk found he didn't want to talk about it, although he allowed McCoy to, knowing that in spite of all their bickering, McCoy would miss Spock almost as much as he himself would. Spock then came into the mess, saw them, and as soon as he sat down, launched into a discussion about the Medusan advances in astrophysics.

"They appear to have made discoveries about black holes that our own equipment cannot yet measure. It will be fascinating – Captain? Is something wrong?" as Kirk suddenly got up.

"No, Mr. Spock," the captain said with a sigh, "I just have to go see who's available to take your position as First Officer, and Science Officer for that matter." Spock started to say something, but Kirk cut him off. "It's all right, Spock. Just…we will see you again, right? I'd rather lose a First Officer than a friend." The captain then left, with Spock and McCoy left sitting there.

Spock was trying to sort through his thoughts. He did want the position. The more he learned about the Medusan scientific advances and culture, the more he thought it was an opportunity he could not pass up. But what the captain said had made him think. Kirk had looked so lost, sad at the thought of replacing him, and Spock had to admit that the thought of someone else taking his place on the _Enterprise_ was displeasing. More than it should have been. Such a reaction was illogical. A position was a position, and it was illogical to turn down such an opportunity for scientific knowledge and cultural understanding. Still, Spock could not forget the sadness in Jim's eyes, changing to a slight hope when he asked if they would be seeing Spock again.

"Spock?" McCoy's voice broke into his thoughts. "Look, I know I can't tell you what to do, and I mean, if you want to go, then who am I to stop you? But, just make sure. That it is the right thing to do." McCoy's tone was much gentler than it normally was when dealing with Spock, and that more than anything else made Spock want to bring this back onto a normal plane.

"Doctor, I must remind you that I have not given my answer yet."

McCoy bristled, "I know that, Spock. I'm just telling you; don't do something you might regret later. That's all."

"I am a Vulcan, Doctor. We do not regret."

"Hmph," was the Doctor's eloquent answer. "Sure you don't." And Spock was forced to agree, because he couldn't ignore the small twinge of regret he noticed each time he remembered how sad Jim looked when they discussed his leaving.


	3. Chapter 3

Jim Kirk was, at that moment, sitting at his computer, trying to write Spock a letter of recommendation. He'd written literally dozens of these before, but he wanted to give Spock the best recommendation possible for his new position. It was the least he could do, and it barely felt adequate. Especially because everything he wrote just couldn't express what he wanted to say.

_Dear Sir, _

_I am writing to you on behalf of Commander Spock. As I am sure his commendations tell you, he has served with distinction-_

No, no, that was too impersonal; it made it sound like he didn't know Spock at all, or care.

_Dear Sir, _

_I have served with Commander Spock for three years. In that time, I have never seen-_

How could a letter sum up three years of depending on someone to keep you alive, of watching out for someone, of working so well together they could predict each other's actions? Those few words could hardly describe how Kirk trusted Spock more than anyone he'd ever met, how they understood each other so well they didn't need to speak aloud; just a glance. How Spock was the best friend he'd ever had. Kirk sighed and gave up for the moment, turning instead to look at which officers were available to take the first officer's position. Anderson, no, he'd only ever served on a starbase. Kirk wanted someone with a little more deep space experience. Clark, no his record was full of instances of fighting, looked like he had a temper. After three years of having a Vulcan First Officer, Kirk wasn't sure he could serve with someone like that. Douglas, his record made it look like he needed a baby-sitter more than a captain. With every name, Kirk had to remind himself that he was only replacing his First Officer, not his friend. It didn't make much difference. Kirk was honestly unsure whether he could serve well with someone else, even as he was aware what a failing this was as a captain. He'd grown used to Vulcan levels of punctuality and efficiency; to being able to trust his life to Spock without thinking, to always having that logical, rational opinion. As a command team, he and Spock were so in tune, he couldn't imagine trying to run the ship with anyone else. Asking someone to step into half of that command team was unfair, Kirk knew this, but that was what had to be done.

At least Bones was still here. And it wasn't like Spock was dying, just accepting another job. They'd still see each other, hear from each other. That was what Kirk told himself. In reality, he knew that once linked with the Medusan ambassador, he didn't know what Spock would be like. Kirk turned back to the list of officers without much enthusiasm. He simply couldn't picture himself with anyone else at his side.


	4. Chapter 4

Spock knew he had to give his answer soon, but he was still unsure. His intellect kept telling him to take it, and he was leaning towards that option. Logically, he knew he was qualified for the position and the opportunities it presented for study, both scientific and cultural, were substantial. He compared this position with the _Enterprise._ Life with the Medusans would be quieter, calmer; with few dangers and unknowns. Life on the _Enterprise_ was rarely quiet or peaceful; they lived in a constant state of uncertainty about what danger they would find next, and Spock was no longer sure if he wanted to remain in that environment. In addition, with the Medusans, he would no longer be the sole Vulcan on a ship full of humans. He _would_ be the only Vulcan among the Medusans, at least at the start, but from everything he had heard, the Medusans were culturally and temperamentally similar to Vulcans. It would certainly be easier on him, not being around humans so much. Spock knew his controls were weaker than they should have been; he had given in far too much to human influence and that didn't even count the number of times the number of times he had had to lower them completely to use his telepathic ability to save himself or the crew. After constantly dealing with the emotional atmosphere of over four hundred humans, the Medusans and their world would be restful.

And yet, Spock also knew that the opportunities the _Enterprise_ and Starfleet presented were just as great. He had made more discoveries in his time as Science Officer than he could study on any posting planetside. He had also met more cultures, opened up more relations that led to cultural study and Federation diplomacy on the _Enterprise_ than he could in any liaison position. Thinking back on these events, Spock had a definite satisfaction in his accomplishments. Even in their less peaceful encounters with the Klingons and the Romulans, Spock knew that the _Enterprise_'s actions protected the Federation from attack, another satisfying result. That was another plus for the Medusans; they had no war, where Spock was forced on the _Enterprise_ to be involved, even tangentially, in violence that he found personally repugnant. But there was something about being the _first_ to discover something, to land on a new planet. Not for the recognition, but for the challenge of figuring out the possibilities. Finding his way through a new situation, testing new discoveries to see what answers they held to long-asked questions. Jim would have called it the "thrill of discovery." Spock knew that, as a scientist, it was the most intellectual stimulation one could have. Even in dangerous situations, there was something about trying to come up with a plan to make it out alive, doing the best you could with what you had. Spock had always thought of it as a challenge, testing his logic and intelligence against whatever the universe could throw at him. He knew he would have little of that challenge as the Medusan liaison, and any scientific discoveries would be second-hand, discovered by the Medusans first. Not challenging, but still fascinating. _Surely, the benefit of their knowledge was the most important factor here,_ Spock asked himself. But the benefits of the _Enterprise_'s mission were just as great, and had Spock been human, he would have sighed in frustration. Logic seemed to be no help here, as both choices had equally logical benefits, as well as compromises that would have to be made.

Very well. Spock dug a little deeper, searching for factors he might have missed. He wondered if he was ready to make such a large change to his life. He was _used _to the _Enterprise_, however much it was a human ship, and he was a creature of habit. The last time he'd made such a large change had been when he'd walked out of his parents' house and joined Starfleet twenty years before. Since then, he'd attended the Academy and served only aboard the _Enterprise._ Changing positions like this, essentially changing careers, was a big change. _But,_ Spock thought, _maybe it is time for a change. It is not logical to remain in one place too long, as it will affect future career prospects. _ He was just about to send in his acceptance, when he suddenly found himself flooded with memories.

_The captain is seated across from him, a chess board on the table. They're discussing the latest book Jim has recommended to him and Jim is laughing._

_Spock is in his quarters reading a scientific journal. He comes across an article he knows McCoy with disagree with and sends it to him. Minutes later, the doctor appears at his door, and they spend the rest of the night arguing about it over Vulcan spiced tea._

_They are at a diplomatic function. Spock wanders alone through the guests; he's never understood small talk, until he sees Kirk cornered by Admiral Kettison and his latest pet project. Spock goes over and starts discussing soil erosion on Centauri Beta until the Admiral gets visibly bored and leaves. Kirk looks at him gratefully and starts to laugh._

_A year ago, on Christmas Day, Spock has been on duty all day, allowing most of the crew to celebrate. He hasn't seen Kirk or McCoy all day and expects nothing more on returning to his cabin that evening. Instead, he finds an invitation to come to the captain's quarters. On arriving, Spock finds Jim and the doctor; they hand him a rare potted plant, direct from Vulcan and a travel case for his lyre, embossed with the Vulcan characters of his name. Spock is, for once, speechless, and Jim says, "I know it's not your holiday, but you didn't think we'd leave you alone on Christmas?"_

_A few months ago, Spock is looking for Captain Kirk, to give him a report, and finds him in the ship's pool. While they are talking, McCoy comes in, sneaks behind Spock and pushes him in the water. Kirk looks shocked and McCoy is laughing. Spock makes his way to the edge, and when McCoy takes pity on him and offers a hand to pull him up, Spock pulls him into the water instead. Kirk bursts out laughing and Spock decides it's almost worth getting soaked to see the shocked look on the doctor's face._

More and more of the memories surface; missions where they depended on each other, nights spent watching over each other in Sickbay, everything ranging from light banter to deep discussions, from McCoy's teasing to Kirk almost destroying his own career to get Spock to Vulcan. And ending with the resigned acceptance of his decision to leave on McCoy's face and the sad hope in Jim's eyes that his leaving wouldn't change everything. Spock knew, in that moment, however illogical the decision and however great the opportunities for learning from the Medusans were, someone else would have to take them. He could not.


	5. Chapter 5

Kirk had now read through the list of possible First Officers at least five times. None of them jumped out at him, and he put a hand to his forehead, wondering what he was going to do. Come to think of it, he hadn't had to replace an officer since Bones took Dr. Piper's place. _That's because Spock would usually do it, at least the minutiae of it,_ Kirk realized, with a new wave of sadness and loss that he attempted to ignore. He wouldn't ruin Spock's career by keeping him tied here.

His door chirped. "Come," Kirk called, and Spock walked in and stood there, hands behind his back. Kirk wondered briefly if this was Spock's goodbye visit – they were almost to the nearest Starbase – and swallowed. _You're jumping to conclusions, _Kirk reminded himself sternly. To Spock, he said, "I've just been reviewing possible First Officers. Not an easy task; these records all read exactly the same." _And none of them are up to your standards; you've spoiled me, mister. _

"That will not be necessary, Captain," Spock said. 'I have decided not to accept the position."

Kirk sat back, numb, then relieved. _So _relieved. He motioned to Spock to sit down, and then said, "So, what made you change your mind? I thought you were pretty close to accepting." He looked up in apprehension. "Don't you decline just because you think you're under obligation to stay. I already said, you should do what's best for you and your career."

"_Jim," _Spock's tone was emphatic, "My place is here," he finished simply, and now Kirk grinned, happiness flooding through him. He had not wanted to admit how much he'd miss Spock if he wasn't there.

"Glad to hear it," Kirk said with a smile. "And Bones will be glad too."

"It will certainly provide him with an excellent opportunity to say 'I told you so,'" Spock said, raising an eyebrow and Kirk chuckled.

The next morning, McCoy did say, "I told you so," for fifteen minutes straight, while Spock shot back retorts. Kirk was walking in between them, bickering and insults flying over his head, but all he did was grin. He was so, _so_ glad Spock wasn't leaving, indescribably glad, and as he caught his First Officer's eye, Kirk could read the same glad relief there.

"Well, I'm glad you think you're so _irreplaceable, _Mr. Spock!"

"I did not say that, Doctor, I merely stated-"

Captain Kirk's laughter drowned out the bickering as they made their way to the bridge, and all three thought that things were finally getting back to normal.

"Warp Factor 2, Mr. Sulu."

A/N Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! I was terrified to post and reading your reviews made my day. The perfect incentive to keep going :)


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